Man is Head Except in Bed? Paul's "Headship" Passages in Context

Mar 10, 2025

IN THIS ARTICLE: Many believe that Christian marriage is a hierarchy with the man in charge, except for a verse that implies mutuality in the bedroom. God’s ultimate vision for marriage brings coherence and agrees with current scholarship on the healthiest way to live within marriage.

The false teacher that the church of my childhood followed, William Branham, prohibited women from divorcing but allowed it for men.1 He also urged husbands to beat their wives for dressing “promiscuously” (wearing shorts, pants, or makeup). If a husband didn’t spank such a woman, he didn’t love her: “He don’t love her or he’d take a board and blister her with it.”2

This is a far cry from a truly Christian vision of marriage. Or is it? Men have allowed and done much evil in the name of a smattering of New Testament passages on marriage. Curiously, the passage they almost always avoid is 1 Corinthians 7, Paul’s most extended teaching on marriage. It is also the only one where he applies the word “authority” directly to marriage — not a metaphor for authority, but the literal word “authority” (ἐξουσιάζω (exousiazō)). Paul says:

The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. - 1 Corinthians 7:4

Every original reader would have yawned through the first clause in the sentence because, OF COURSE, the husband was in charge in the ancient world, as we found last week when we examined the Greco-Roman genre of the household code in light of 1 Peter 3:1-7. They would have been flabbergasted at the second clause. What? Does a wife have authority over her husband’s body? This isn’t simply the authority to determine the children’s bedtime but authority over, well, the couple’s time in bed. It is mutual authority, to be sure. They are equal. They willingly give themselves to one another.3

It is stunning that they do so in the one activity that Jesus and Paul specifically restrict to married partners. The wife is equal in this area; married partners operate in a framework of mutuality in this unique one-flesh activity. Since this is true, do we really think the “Kingdom goal” to which the Holy Spirit moves us wants the rest of marriage to be a hierarchal arrangement with a boss and a follower? Do we really want to say the husband is head except in bed?4

Last week, we summarized our findings on 1 Peter 3:1-7 with Jeanine K. Brown’s synopsis:

The goal of the household code, and the letter more broadly, is to help the believers navigate with circumspection the fine line between their two realities: cultural norms and their newfound faith. The author guides them toward conformity to these cultural norms whenever possible and resistance when absolutely necessary so that they will remain true to Jesus Christ as the one true Lord.5

The same goes for Paul’s adaptations of the codes. Consider what he writes to Titus, who will help the church in Crete:

To wives: be subject to their husbands so that no one will malign the word of God. (Titus 2:5)
To slaves: be subject to their masters in everything … so that in every way they will make the teaching about God our Savior attractive. (Titus 2:9-10)

He’s saying, “Slaves and wives, do this so we’ll have a good reputation with outsiders, which will help us win them over and avoid persecution.”

Until Christ upends these Roman power structures, the principle is Romans 12:18, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Whatever is asked or expected of you, do it, whether to submit to those higher in status, turn the other cheek, walk two miles, give up your cloak, obey those over you, respect wicked governors, pay taxes, pray for enemies, etc.

EPHESIANS AND COLOSSIANS
But what about Paul’s letters to the churches in Ephesus and Colossai, which are his fullest variations on Aristotle’s household code genre? The Colossian household code is an abbreviated version of the one found in Ephesians. Paul wrote both letters around the same time. He had them delivered to the same general area, where they circulated to various churches (in other words, house churches in Colossae would have read Ephesians, and vice versa). We see a fuller understanding of this issue in the Ephesians passage, which we’ll examine.

In Paul’s household codes, we must consider the uncomfortable mention of slaves obeying masters. We must also attend to the parent-child stuff, which we usually deal with anachronistically (trying to map a 21st-century understanding of parenting onto the first-century). Paul was writing to people for whom the expectation was that adult children obey their parents. Most marriages were “sine manu,” where the wife remained under her father's authority until he died.6 The husband also remained under the authority of his father. It’s difficult to say that these passages command a hierarchal relationship between husbands and wives for all time if we believe slavery is wrong or don’t want our parents to choose our spouses and make decisions for us until they die.

“ONE ANOTHER” MEANS “ONE ANOTHER” CONTRA GRUDEM, BURK
The Ephesians household code (5:21-6:9) begins, “Submit to one another.” The phrase “Wives, submit yourselves …” in verse 22 doesn’t include the word “submit” in the original Greek (ὑποτάσσω - hupotassō). Verse 22 more literally reads, “Wives, to your husbands as to the Lord.” “To your husbands” what? We infer “submit” from the previous verse, “Submit to one another.”

“One another” is one word in Greek (ἀλλήλων - allēlōn). Wayne Grudem and Denny Burk maintain that this word isn’t reciprocal; therefore, verse 21 doesn’t mean every Christian submits to every other Christian, but some Christians submit themselves to others. Burk says, “For example, take the phrase ‘kill each other’ in Revelation 6:4. Clearly, this text is not teaching that two or more individuals kill each other at the same time. No, the killing involved one party taking action against another.”7 He then maps this onto Ephesians 5, saying “submit to one another” actually means that some kinds of people (wives) should submit to other sorts of people (husbands).

However, many people have killed one another in history. This is especially true in modern warfare. Whole countries could wipe each other out with nuclear weapons. But here is proof straight from 2 Samuel 2:15-16:

So they stood up and were counted off—twelve men for Benjamin and Ish-Bosheth son of Saul, and twelve for David. Then each man grabbed his opponent by the head and thrust his dagger into his opponent’s side, and they fell down together. So that place in Gibeon was called Helkath Hazzurim.

They killed each other at the same time. To say that “one another” verses are only asking certain groups of Christians to operate this way toward other groups who will not reciprocate is simply a desperate, specious argument.

Paul devotes more instructional space to husbands in Ephesians 5. Why? Because men need it more. Those Ephesian women were bred their entire lives to submit – all Paul needed to do was reframe it, giving them dignity and hope, effectively telling them not to do it because Caesar commands but to do it “as to the Lord,” which is like what he told all Christians in Colossians 3:23 - “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters.”

So we have:

v.21 submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
v. 22 For wives, THIS means … (NLT)
v. 25 For husbands, THIS means …

What is “this”? Mutual submission. To make this even more precise, Paul is saying:

For wives, “submit to one another” means (v 22)
For husbands, “submit to one another” means (v 25)

He begins by telling wives to submit to their husbands, and he does so in the Greek “middle voice,” which means, “This is a choice that I want you to make for yourself.”8 It was no secret in that ancient culture that the wife submitted. But in standard Greco-Roman “household codes,” wives weren’t even addressed. Those codes were addressed to husbands who were told to make their wives obey.

Here, wives have a choice. Paul wants them to follow the Christ-like pattern of submission and service taught throughout the New Testament. Doing so specifically in their marriage will exemplify how the church should honor Christ. The church is to let wives teach them, through their actions, how to honor Jesus. Wives should obey the law (“submit” - we saw that this was the rule of life throughout the Roman Empire last week) just as we obey traffic laws. But they can do so in an even more life-giving way, just as we can go beyond routine obedience to traffic laws to become courteous, kind drivers who let others pull in front of us when they need to turn, etc.

For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her. – Ephesians 5:25

This is CRAZY in Greco-Roman culture. Ephesian men may have said, “Paul, that’s not what it means to be the “head.”9 They believed in protecting the head at all costs. The body sacrifices for the head, and the head’s job is to ensure self-preservation because it is essential for the functioning of society. It was the duty of a leader, a husband, a “manly man” to see to his own needs and demand his subordinates see to his needs. Plutarch wrote that a leader’s “first duty is to save the one who saves everything else [himself].”10

When Paul began this metaphor, his readers would have expected him to say the head is leader and provider of the body, he should “Look out for #1,” and the body needs to serve and sacrifice for the head's sake.

to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. - 5:26-27

Christ’s love for his church is described in metaphors of everyday domestic chores: giving a bath, providing clothing, and doing laundry. What? Are Christian men supposed to be sissies? Why not use macho warrior metaphors? Has Paul never heard of Mark Driscoll or Doug Wilson?

In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. - 5:28-29

Again, the domestic chores described are typical of what’s considered “women’s work” – the husband “feeds” and “cares” (more literally translated as “nurture”). Paul uses this same word to describe the apostles 1 Thessalonians 2:7 – “But we were gentle among you, like a nursing mother taking care of her own children.”

These are just metaphors—Paul isn’t saying, “I command the husband to do all the cooking and cleaning.” He is telling those who typically have power in this world (and, in a physical sense, are often bigger and stronger) that they must use their power to imitate Jesus.

As the Scriptures say, ‘A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. - 5:31-32

Men, this is finally where we get to accept a “great adventure” challenge. We get to lead the way in righting a wrong from the dawn of time. Adam’s responsibility to Eve, who was created from his side – was to “cleave” to her so they might be one flesh. It all went south for Adam and Eve because they fell into temptation. Adam fails to cleave to his wife in the episode with the serpent. He even distanced himself from her when God confronted him.

Paul says, “This isn’t how we do it in the church.” A Christian husband will give himself for his wife rather than abandon or blame her because he imitates the second Adam, not the first.

In Christ, husbands will no longer separate from their wives but instead champion the unity God intended. Husbands, what if you saw your job not as the boss but as the cheerleader and guardian (by your cleaving) of a one-flesh union that shows the world what union with Christ is like?

What’s great is that any husband can do this. It doesn’t matter which spouse has read the Bible more, has been a Christian longer, or is more assertive or extroverted. And she doesn’t have to play dumb to let you do this, like when she lets you win at Scrabble. Nor does it matter who drives the car or makes more money.

Outside the Kingdom of God, men leave. This country has an epidemic of men running away from their families. And many who don’t run away become workaholics instead, hiding behind a false view of the Bible that says men are just supposed to bring home a good paycheck. Others mentally “check out” and hide in their hobbies and vices.

But among us, it must be different. We don’t leave; we cleave. Adam ran from Eve by blaming her. He was willing to sacrifice her to save himself. Now, the husband in Christ considers the woman as part of his very body.

Paul then ties the creation story to the great mystery of the gospel:

WOMAN: comes from Man, who loves her. He leaves his home and cleaves to her so they can be one in all of life.

THE CHURCH: comes from Christ, who loves us. He left his home in heaven to cleave to us so we could be one in him for life eternal.

This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. - 5:32

The analogy between Christ and the husband encourages husbands, who had all the rights and power in that culture, to treat wives like Jesus Christ treats them. This transformation of pagan values leads to the fulfillment of Genesis's one-flesh union and enables the husband and wife to flourish as they honor God together.

When we discover this, contextualized for a day when slavery is illegal, when adults honor their parents but don’t cede to their parents the right to choose a spouse or career, and when wives are not legally and culturally required to obey husbands, then “Who should cook,” “Cut the grass,” or “Do the budget” aren’t insurmountable issues. Two Spirit-filled Christians can prayerfully discuss, “Which of us is better suited for this task? Which of us enjoys it more? How can we make our home work best and honor God most?”

We do not need one spouse to get the “tiebreaker” in every issue. Putting that principle in your marriage creates a crack in the foundation empirically proven to harm the relationship.11 12 13 Paul’s countercultural marriage principles of mutual authority (1 Cor. 7:4) and mutual submission (Eph. 5:21) is the for-all-time expectation that works when the Roman system is gone, leading us to the most profound reality of life in the kingdom of God:

There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. - Galatians 3:28

Your Sons and Daughters will Prophesy: New Creation Musings

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